The Love Gurus
by Kaiser Washington
Summary: In which Jin, not the luckiest man in the world when it comes to love, solicits Mitsui's and Sendoh's assistance in bringing Fujima and him together. Sort of a romantic comedy. Ongoing, maybe.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Just something stupid I wrote in 2010. There must have been a good reason I never posted it, and I think I'm about to find out what that was now.

This is probably supposed to resemble a romantic comedy, hence the whimsical tone, lame attempts at humor, and weird pairing. I shall also try to finish it within two or three chapters - and after that maybe try not to put up any more of my old stuff. (Unless, of course, the fandom clamors for it.)

EDIT: Edited impromptu. The pairing that existed hitherto (I won't name it) has been scrupulously replaced with one that the fandom might find more palatable. Remember kids, always think twice before posting a fic.

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Beginning**

It was one of those sunny, somnolent afternoons that visited Kanagawa but rarely, when everyone was expected to be indoors, resting up or otherwise engaging in activities that they would not get the chance to engage in on normal afternoons. An idle poet who had been in need of inspiration for only too long would have found this day more than conducive to writing good poetry. And though Sendoh was no idle poet, he certainly was at this moment idle.

Akira Sendoh sat in his usual spot on the pier near his house, smiling brightly to himself and exuding benevolence from every cell of his body. While he might be passionate about fishing, he certainly wasn't lucky all the time. This, however, was not one of those times.

When Sendoh felt the first tug on his line, he thought that it had become entangled in seaweed, and was about to sit around and wait for it to untangle itself when the optimistic side of him appealed to his better senses. He retracted the line, only to discover that what he had mistaken for seaweed was one of the largest fish he had ever seen in these waters. What species it was, he couldn't tell, for he had seen few fish in his life. But a fish was a fish, and a fish in the bucket was worth two in the sea.

So he thought as he tossed the flailing fish into the bucket. But he had underestimated its momentum. That coupled with the fact that it was still slick with water resulted in its knocking the bucket over, and falling back into the water with a mocking splash.

"Holy fish in a bucket!"

Sendoh seldom swore, but the situation definitely warranted it.

"Oh well." He was optimistic. "There are other fish in the sea."

He was alluding, of course, to the fact that there were other fish in the sea. But Soichiro Jin, of Kainan, who happened to be passing by, and whose love life had recently taken an unfortunate turn for the worse, saw an entirely different meaning in Sendoh's words, and thought, here was a man who was obviously very experienced in the department of love, and who could help him sort things out.

"Sendoh!" he said suddenly, his exuberant voice piercing through the air like Cupid's arrow.

Sendoh was startled into dropping his fishing rod into the waves below.

"Oh, bummer." He had been very fond of that particular rod, ever since it had proven itself capable of catching fish – ever since today. And it had cost him a fortune, to boot. But the loss of a fishing rod, lamentable as it was, was not enough to make Sendoh forget the proprieties. "Oh hi, Jin. What're you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just passing by. And then I saw you. And then I decided to say Hi!"

Hisashi Mitsui, who just happened to be passing by at that moment, thought it strange that Jin spoke so excitedly to Sendoh.

"Jin." He walked up to the Kainan shooting guard with the air of a parent who is about to excoriate his errant son at length. "Are you in love with Sendoh?"

Jin was shocked. He spluttered feebly as he tried to come up with something in his defense.

Mitsui took advantage of the drop in the other's guard.

"Because the way you were talking to Sendoh right now sounded so gay that words can't really describe it. I mean, it was even gayer than the time when Tetsuo – you wouldn't happen to know him, would you? – tried to take advantage of the rest of us."

Jin did not know Tetsuo, nor did he want to. Jin was not in love with Sendoh. Unfortunately, he was not tactful either, and it was with innocent curiosity that he asked, "What did he do to you?"

Mitsui's face darkened.

"I don't want to talk about it." He looked out into the horizon. "But I assure you it was the most painful and traumatic experience I've ever had in my life."

"Let's not talk about it, then." Sendoh knew when a certain topic was becoming uncomfortable. "Do you guys want to eat fish? I've got a big one right here— Oh, darn it, that's right."

Sendoh stared wistfully at the overturned bucket and the trail of seawater going over the pier.

"It's okay." Mitsui placed a sympathetic hand on Sendoh's shoulder. "We all lose things once in a while. In my case it was my virginity, and in Jin's it's his self-respect. What's a little fish compared to that, huh?"

"But it was a big fish." Sendoh sighed. "Oh well, I guess if it's gone, it's gone."

"And Mitsui," said Jin. "Just to clear things up, I'm not in love with Sendoh."

"Then why were you getting all close and personal with him?"

"Um…" Jin didn't know how quite to put it.

"Well?"

"Well, you see… there's this guy…"

"Let me guess. You like him, but he likes someone else. Am I right? Typical."

"How did you know?" Jin was astonished.

"Let's just say that there's a whole crowd of people where you come from."

"So what do I do? I was hoping Sendoh could help me. I mean… He _is_ pretty good looking—"

"And you expect me to believe that you feel nothing for him?"

"But I _am_ good looking," protested Sendoh.

"What I meant," – Jin cleared his throat – "was that Sendoh's probably dated a million people by now, and he'd definitely know what to do in my case."

"Sorry." Sendoh shrugged sheepishly. "You've got the wrong guy. I've never dated anyone."

Both Mitsui and Jin looked at him with incredulity. They became disillusioned.

"Seriously?" said Mitsui. "Then… are you gay?"

"No," said Sendoh. "But since you seem to be obsessed with it, I'm thinking maybe you are." He sounded like one who has extrapolated something significant.

"Of course I'm not," said Mitsui hotly. "Quit fooling around. So why is it that you've never been on a date before?"

Sendoh reflected awhile before venturing to reply.

"I think it's because of all the romantic comedies I watch," he said. "Scary things tend to happen to the guys in them. They call them 'romantic comedies', but the girl goes off with another man at the end, and the guy is left to cherish fond memories of all the times that he spent with her. Hey, that's sort of Jin's story, isn't it?"

Jin didn't wish to be reminded.

"So yeah," said Sendoh. "Romantic comedies can be scary."

"Maybe," said Mitsui, "the girl goes off with another man at the end because that man is the protagonist of the story."

"Oh?" said Sendoh. "Funny. I never looked at it that way. Besides, there are lots of better things to do than dating. Like playing basketball, for instance, or fishing."

"Fishing?" said Mitsui with a bark of a laugh. Basketball, he could understand – indeed, he felt the same way about it himself – but fishing? "Have you ever even caught fish?"

"Yes," said Sendoh with righteous indignation. "Just this morning. But I accidentally threw it back into the water."

Mitsui laughed for a full minute.

"Sendoh, you make me laugh."

"I can see," said Sendoh. "Although I don't understand what you find so funny."

"I mean, how could you prioritize fishing over dating?"

"Why not? How many people have you dated?"

Mitsui coughed embarrassedly, and said something that sounded suspiciously like "one". It later transpired that it was "none".

"There, you see," said Sendoh triumphantly. "The pot's calling the kettle black."

"Am not," said Mitsui indignantly. "It's just that… I just haven't met the right person yet."

"Man, you two are so lucky," mumbled Jin.

"What was that?" said Mitsui.

"You've never loved anyone passionately."

"No," said Sendoh, and he answered for both himself and Mitsui. "Tell me, what's it like?"

"Those romantic comedies are right: it's hell."

"Why?"

"Because they never love you back."

Jin looked so miserable that Mitsui couldn't but say, "Who's this guy of yours? Take me to him, and I'll knock his teeth in."

Jin blushed.

"It's Fujima."

"Fujima!" Mitsui's jaw dropped.

"Fujima?" said Sendoh. "You mean Maki's loud rival?"

"He's much better looking than Maki," said Jin. "And he's not loud – just passionate about the game that both he and I love so much."

"Touching, Jin," said Mitsui. "And if you love him as much as you say you do, then I'm guessing you've told him about it already?"

Jin was taken aback.

"What, are you crazy? He probably doesn't even know I exist. And," – Jin sighed – "he's in love with Maki."

Sendoh shook his head sadly.

"It's always the case with these first-time lovers. That character, Mortimer, in the latest movie I watched was always afraid of being rejected by Isabelle, so he hid his love behind a mask of impassivity and went about his business as her butler, hoping that by some miracle she would notice his love for her, and reveal that she loved him back. But that day never came, and Isabelle eventually got married to a rich guy – Charles – and Mortimer continued to be the butler for the two of them."

"Sad." Mitsui clicked his tongue. "You see, Jin, you're likely to end up like Old Mortimer here if you don't act now."

"But how?" Jin sighed.

"We'll help you," said Sendoh.

"What! What do you mean 'we'?"

"We'll help you," repeated Sendoh, placing an arm around Mitsui's shoulder.

Mitsui cursed.

"Oh, thank you so much!" said Jin, clasping Sendoh's hands in a manner no guy should ever do no matter how grateful he felt. "I'll pay you a thousand yen each at the end of it."

"Call me the Love Guru!" said Mitsui, his eyes sparkling.

"I knew I could count on you guys." Jin smiled warmly.

/tbc


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I appreciate the review. I would probably not have been that motivated to continue this story if not for it.

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Turbulent Middle**

On this bright and sunny day it was a happier-than-usual Sendoh that walked down to the coppice in the park that was famous for the clandestine transactions that took place under its huddled boughs. It was a spot frequented by young and happy couples who wanted to steal a few minutes of privacy every now and then, but more often than not found that another young and happy couple had thought of the same plan.

Being by nature benevolent, Sendoh loved spreading joy and happiness among his friends. Indeed, it was whispered in the corridors of Ryonan by many a hopeful girl, Sendoh's day was incomplete until he had made someone smile. He was beyond delighted to be able to be of service to Jin, whose heart, though he was neither as athletic nor as good looking as Sendoh, was without a doubt in the right place. It pained him to see Jin pining after someone as popular, and therefore inaccessible, as Fujima; it pained him further to know that Fujima in turn pined after Maki, who everyone knew was in a relationship with his math teacher.

As he approached the not-so-secret coppice, Sendoh noticed that Jin and Mitsui were already there, and leaning against a tree. He waved as he approached them, and cleared his throat so that he could slip effortlessly into the role of the conspirator.

"I see you've started without me."

Mitsui scoffed.

"What's the big deal anyway, bringing us to a place like this?" He merely pretended to be aloof and uninterested. In reality, the promise of money at the end of the adventure filled him with so much excitement that he could barely contain himself. Even a thousand yen went a long way in fulfilling the dreams of a broke high school student.

"So Jin," said Sendoh as he plopped down on the dried mud, "I'll tell you about my plan."

Jin sat down, nodding eagerly for Sendoh to go on.

"We go over to Shoyo this evening, when they're practicing, and hide outside by the gates. Then when Fujima comes out, we surround him. He won't know what's going on. Then you step forward and get down on your knees, holding up a bouquet of red roses that we will have bought on the way. 'Fujima,' you say, your voice like the velvety tones of the cello, 'I love you. I have always loved you, and no other.' He is completely charmed by your confession, and the two of you live happily ever after."

Jin's face lit up.

"Do you think it will work?"

"Of course—"

Sendoh was interrupted by Mitsui's loud laughter. Indeed, the word 'laughter' is inadequate to describe the crazed guffaws that Mitsui emitted as he rolled around in the dirt clutching his sides, little caring that his school uniform was getting soiled. When the worst of his emotional storm had passed, and he was finally able to sit up and speak, he said:

"You watch way too many movies, Sendoh."

Sendoh looked offended.

"These methods are time tested."

Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, Mitsui said, "If someone proposed to me like that, they'd be out on their ear that instant."

Sendoh looked at Jin appraisingly.

"But I thought someone like Jin would be able to pull it off just fine."

"It's too sentimental." Mitsui stretched out his legs to make his observation seem casual and therefore profound.

"But Jin's a nice guy."

"That's exactly the problem." Mitsui leant forward, and pointed at Jin. "He's too nice. He's _boring_."

"Huh?" Sendoh frowned at Jin while he considered this new aspect of his personality.

Jin was taken aback at the attention he was receiving.

"Nice guys are boring. The first thing Fujima would say to Jin, if he did what you told him to, is, 'I'm sorry, but I like Maki. He's strong, and manly, and rides the waves like his bitch.' I can guarantee it."

Sendoh had never seen someone deflate as rapidly as Jin did just then.

"That just seems too unfair to be true."

"Wake up, Sendoh. This is the real world, not one of your romcoms. In the real world, it's the bad boy that gets the girl – or in this case Fujima."

Their attention turned briefly to a young couple who had tumbled gigglingly into the thickets, unaware that it was being used at that moment by serious men trying to solve serious problems of the world. With horrified gasps and hands flying to the waistbands of their pants and skirt, they dashed away in the direction from which they had come, not wanting to witness what was no doubt a violent threesome on the verge of occurring.

"In the real world," Mitsui went on as if nothing had happened, "nice guys like Jin get the short end of the straw."

"The stick," corrected Sendoh, who always could separate idioms that had been mixed up.

"The stick," admitted Mitsui.

"So," Jin looked up timorously at the quarreling pair, "is there no hope for me?"

"Of course there is." A smile spread across Sendoh's features like the first rays of the morning.

Then Mitsui brought in the rainclouds.

"Not much, I'm afraid."

Jin stared sadly down at his hands. What did the universe have against him? Why had he been born, of all the wretched creatures that crawled on the earth, a nice guy?

"Cheer up, Jin. Mitsui only meant that you'll have to work harder to get what you want. And the fruit of hard work being sweet and all that, you might even get the long end of the stick."

Jin didn't look up.

"But it's Fujima I want…"

"And you will get Fujima."

"Especially," said Mitsui with a glint in his eye, "for two thousand yen."

Sendoh frowned disapprovingly at Mitsui, but said nothing. Two thousand yen happened to be exactly the price of the cheapest fishing rod at the store.

But Jin was fast losing hope.

"I don't think money can buy love." He got up to leave. "I'm sorry I wasted your time with my stupid problems."

"Wait, don't go." Mitsui leapt to his feet and grabbed Jin by the arm. "Whoever said money can't buy love was a twit. Of course it can, if you put in the right amount."

"Love costs two thousand yen?"

"Erm, no," Sendoh hastened to say before Mitsui could beguile Jin any further. "No, it doesn't. But you can't win someone's heart if you're so glum, no matter how much you pay. Even if we are," he cast a sharp glance at Mitsui, "the Love Gurus."

Mitsui sighed in defeat. The images of wealth and indulgence beyond his wildest imagination that had flashed so enticingly across his mind's eye vanished into thin air with a faint pop.

"We will help you," Sendoh went on, "not because you're paying us, but because you're our friend."

"I would, however," Mitsui added, "strongly recommend paying us each two thousand for best results."

"Sure." Jin didn't even blink. Sendoh and Mitsui thought at that moment that his family was probably wealthy enough to buy him ten lookalikes of Fujima. "Just tell me what I need to do."

"The first thing you need," said Sendoh, clasping Jin's shoulders, and steering him out of the coppice, past a young couple who were waiting patiently behind a tree for their turn, and into the outside world, where the afternoon sun hit their faces like a pile of bricks, "is to learn to be confident."

Jin had always had trouble with confidence. No matter whom he spoke to, whether pretty girl or dumb freshman – or even, for that matter, Fujima –, his gaze would always be directed at shoes, and the words would emerge from his mouth like the strained puffs of a steam engine traveling uphill.

"Confidence," said Sendoh knowingly, "can make all your virtues look ten times more attractive."

"But if you overdo it, you will look like a huge asshole," warned Mitsui.

"He would know," Sendoh nodded. Mitsui fumed.

As they walked toward a group of girls who were passing through the park, Sendoh suddenly said, "Watch how a master does it."

He walked toward the pathway, staring high up into the sky, pretending to study cloud formations. As the girls passed him, stealing furtive glances at him and coloring, he pretended to lose balance, and fell on one of them.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, miss," he said, extending his hand to the girl on the ground, and helping her gather her things.

The girl dusted her clothes off demurely, her companions giggling behind their hands, and said, "It's all right."

Sendoh then cast such a powerful smile at her that she was forced to look away. (More giggling from her friends.)

"To make up for it, can I get you a drink?"

She glanced uncomfortably at him for a brief moment, before blurting out, "I'm sorry, but I'm already with someone," and hurrying away.

Mitsui couldn't stop laughing.

"That was epic," he said through gasps.

"And I think you looked a bit like an asshole," Jin added.

"What are you talking about? I did great." Sendoh, the master of suavity, had a hard time accepting that he had made a girl feel uncomfortable. "She would have totally run back into the woods with me."

"Except that she already had a boyfriend." Mitsui's laughter scattered a flock of pigeons that had descended to feed, and scared some elderly passersby.

"Well, you get the idea," said Sendoh, adding with animated gestures, "You have to look into people's eyes, talk loudly and clearly, and try to win them over with your words. Now you try."

Jin took a deep breath, and approached an attractive woman in her early fifties.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he said, looking into her sunglasses, "do know what time it is?"

She patted him on the head, and thrust a bar of candy into his hands.

"You've still got a few years to go before you can have me," she said, and continued walking.

"Well, that was a start," said Mitsui.

"Yes, you nearly had her," said Sendoh, punching the air to show encouragement.

Jin was duly encouraged, and felt as if he could take on anyone.

"I have a good feeling about this. I think I want to talk to Fujima today."

And so the Love Gurus found themselves flanking Jin outside the Shoyo gates that evening, looking more than ever before like his bodyguards. Nervous glances and suspicious glances were cast at them by Shoyo students leaving for home, but these did not faze in the slightest the three coconspirators in love. It was not the rabble they were here for, but the King.

After a quarter of an hour of standing awkwardly in front of the gates, when the basketball team still showed no signs of emerging from the bowels of the school, Jin said, "I think we should go inside."

Sendoh concurred.

"That's a good idea."

When they reached the gym, they saw that the King was indeed busy stirring his subjects into action. His presence, in spite of his slender build, seemed to fill the entire gym. A mere syllable uttered from his mouth was enough to scatter players much taller than he like billiard balls. He was an artist who knew how to command the medium of his choice. "Hasegawa, lower your waist!" he ordered with hands on his hips, for that made good art; "Hanagata, you were this close to making a foul." No, Fujima would not accept anything short of perfection – anything less than his vision of the ideal, which was meant only for eyes like his own.

Then he noticed Sendoh, Mitsui, and Jin standing outside the gym doors.

"Oh hey, you guys," he said, jogging over to them gregariously. "What brings you here?"

A sharp jab in the small of the back from Mitsui caused Jin to stumble forward.

"F-F-Fujima," he stammered, having yet to overcome the initial effect of being thrust into Fujima's awesome presence. "We were just… passing by."

"Shouldn't you be at practice now?" Fujima was intimately familiar with Kainan's training schedule.

Jin scratched the back of his head, and laughed sheepishly.

"I wasn't feeling very well, so I decided to skip practice today." It didn't sound as credible as he would have liked. It was well known that the Kainan team wouldn't miss practice even if an earthquake hit the region.

"Oh," said Fujima vaguely, and then repeated his original question: "So what brings you guys here?"

"There was something Jin wanted to say to you," said Sendoh, winking at Jin.

"Ah," said Jin when Fujima's attention suddenly returned to him. Then he decided to muster all the confidence he had, and blurted out in the space of a second, "I love you very much."

Fujima's eyes stared back at Jin like bewildered oases. Bewilderment then made way for comprehension, as the words sunk in one by one.

And then all emotion seemed to disappear from his face altogether, and the sound of activity in the gym abruptly died out. All eyes were on Jin and Fujima. Hanagata flashed his glasses warningly upon Jin, but the damage had been done.

"Jin," said Fujima with what sounded like some effort, "I appreciate your telling me this," – always a sign that the speaker would have in fact preferred not to have heard something – "but the one I have feelings for is Maki."

Deep down, Jin had known that this would be the result of his confession; but that did not make the shattering of his heart the less painful. Indeed, he would not be surprised to see the front of his shirt stained with his own blood and a gun in Fujima's hand. Enough! He could take no more.

But Fujima was inexorable.

"You're a nice guy, Jin. I'm sure there's someone out there for you," he said, Hanagata nodding his agreement with this very logical statement from behind; "but not me."

"Why not?" Jin mumbled, his gazed returned to its traditional spot at Fujima's shoes. "What does Maki have that I don't?"

Fujima sighed. He didn't want to make Jin suffer any more. But it was not possible to explain his feelings to him in a way that wouldn't hurt him.

"Maki is special to me," Fujima said carefully, "perhaps in the same way as I am to you."

Sendoh and Mitsui, both too stunned for words, stepped forward to escort Jin to a less painful location, away from Shoyo – away from Fujima, that devil with an angel's face.

But Jin wasn't going to leave quietly and obediently, with his tail between his legs. He looked up into Fujima's face even as he fought back tears, eyebrows furrowed with the effort, and concentrated all his passion into his stare.

"Maki won't love you back in the way you want him to," he said. "But I will. Why would you still pick him over me? Is it because he's better looking? Is it because he's a better basketball player?"

Fujima raised a hand to put it on Jin's shoulder, but thought better of it.

"Jin," he said, his voice filled with genuine sadness, "I like you a lot, too. I've watched you play quite often, and it's fascinating. But my feelings for Maki are just too strong." He dug his hands deep into his hair in frustration, and looked away. Hanagata was not sure whether to come to his friend's assistance. The rest of the Shoyo team had retreated to the far end of the court, and were engaged in subdued basic training. "Sometimes I hate myself for it, too. But I can't help it. Please, try to understand!"

After the passage of a measured breath, Jin said, "I understand. I'm sorry I bothered you. I'm sorry I interrupted your practice. Most of all, I'm sorry not to be Maki." Then he shoved Sendoh and Mitsui aside, and ran out into the dusk before anyone could think of following him.

Fujima looked feebly from Sendoh to Mitsui, as if hoping for absolution.

"I'm sorry, Fujima," said Sendoh finally. "We were the ones who encouraged him to do this. Good luck with your practice."

"Good luck," mumbled Mitsui. He had known that a traditional confession wouldn't work; he had known, and he had tried to warn them.

But now all he and Sendoh could to do was to head back home, dazed and numb from their first failure since becoming professional experts in love.

/tbc

* * *

A/N: I guess this story will span four chapters, then, as I see it - not three. I'm also liberally employing all the cringeworthy love cliches I'm familiar with from fiction and television under the excuse that this is supposed to be a romantic comedy.

Also, I know that Jin is hopelessly OOC, and so perhaps are the other characters. (Erm... romantic comedy?)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks again for the review. It turns out this is the final chapter after all.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Reconciliation  
**

It was with heavy heart that Sendoh waited with Mitsui outside Kainan the next day. If the events of yesterday had proven anything, it was that love was not as simple as it seemed – not a deal that could be sealed with a few sugary words and some extravagant displays of affection. What the movies neglected to mention was that after the paroxysm and the first move came only a tumid apathy.

"I warned you," said Mitsui, who had warned Sendoh. "This could never have worked."

Sendoh nodded sadly.

"Jin seemed so excited to talk to Fujima, too. I really hope he doesn't give up on him because of this."

"I really just want my two thousand yen."

Sendoh looked at Mitsui with some surprise.

"Is that really all you care about? Doesn't it mean anything to you that we're bringing together two people deeply in love with each other?"

"If Fujima had strong enough feelings for Jin, none of this would be a problem," said Mitsui, lazily surveying the canopy of sakura leaves above him through half-lidded eyes, fingers interlocked casually behind his head in defiance of his growing impatience. "I don't know what I'd do with that money anyway."

"You can't be thinking of bailing on Jin after all we've been through."

"It really hasn't been that long. You've been talking really strangely lately." Mitsui glanced sideways at him. "If I didn't know any better, I might say you were in this for the money, as well."

Sendoh blushed, and told Mitsui about the fishing rod he was coveting, adding hotly, "But I really want Jin and Fujima to be together."

Presently Jin emerged from the school gates, head bowed, shirt untucked, and looking like someone who had lost his entire family in a natural disaster. Mitsui looked up to make sure that a raincloud wasn't hovering over Jin.

"Jin!" said Sendoh, trying to sound as warm and energetic as he could in order to lift the other's spirits. The effect was wasted, for when Jin's lugubrious eyes slowly rose to meet Sendoh's, he saw that the life in them was gone – snatched away, as if by a pickpocket.

"Oh, Sendoh." It was the flattest, most melancholy way Sendoh had ever heard his name uttered, and he shivered. "What brings you here?"

"We're here to see you, of course!" Sendoh's friendly thump on the back caused Jin to stumble forward and nearly fall.

"Life is over," said Jin meaningfully. "I think I'm about done with everything – Fujima, basketball – none of it makes any sense to me anymore."

Sendoh glanced at Jin's hands just to make sure he wasn't carrying a gun or a knife with which to perform the ultimate act of self-vindication.

"It was just a minor setback. You heard what Fujima said. It's not like he doesn't have feelings for you."

"He might as well not have any." Jin began fiddling with the shoulder strap of his schoolbag, and Sendoh registered with a chill the possibility that he might see in the piece of cloth a noose. "As long as there's Maki, Fujima can never have eyes for me."

Sendoh gazed wistfully past Jin in the direction of the Kainan gym, where he knew the Ace was currently engaged in rigorous afterhours training. However one looked it, Maki was the complete package: he had the looks (the appearance of being older only added to his charm), the confidence, and such incredible talent that he would come out ahead of everyone else if he lacked the former two. To think that such a valuable gem in Kanagawa's diadem of dateworthy males should be the plaything of an amoral math teacher was astounding – no, it simply wouldn't be allowed in a just world.

"For better or for worse, Maki's here to stay," – Sendoh shuddered for a moment, torn between his loyalty to a rival he respected above all others and a friend he had recently made – "and we can't wish him out of the picture or otherwise get rid of him."

Jin's shoulders drooped a little more.

"But," said Sendoh, his eye twinkling with a fresh idea, "we can convince Fujima of Maki's inappropriateness as a partner."

Mitsui was curious.

"You mean we're going to smear Maki?" Even he had reservations about blackening a fellow basketball player's image for personal gain. (He decided that it would be better to spend his reward in making himself happy in some constructive way than to blow it all on an evening of drunken revelry that he would never again remember.)

Sendoh turned to Mitsui, eye still twinkling.

"We won't be doing anything wrong. We won't be making anything up. We'll only show Maki for who he truly is, and try to pry Fujima away from him when he gets rejected."

"Your ideas haven't been working lately," Mitsui pointed out. The verdict of history was clear.

"This one will. It's so simple. I wonder why I hadn't thought of it before."

"And how exactly do you intend to convince Fujima to give up on Maki?"

Then Maki's figure emerged from the gym, shirtless and panting; and even as Sendoh hastened to leave the vicinity of Kainan with Mitsui in tow, abandoning Jin to his deleterious self-pity, the answer revealed itself to him.

"We send Fujima on a date with him."

And so, later that very evening, Sendoh rushed to Maki's domicile and Mitsui rushed to Fujima's. The sun had scarce set, and the stars hadn't even come out, when, with conspiratorial smiles and a firm handshake, Sendoh and Mitsui congratulated themselves on having successfully arranged for Fujima a dinner with his archrival.

"Of course, Maki has no idea that it's a date. He probably thinks it's just a friendly dinner," Sendoh explained to Jin as they headed to the restaurant where the apocalypse was to take place.

Mitsui snorted.

"There's no such thing as a friendly dinner."

"All that matters," said Sendoh, becoming alert as they neared the notorious outdoor restaurant, where violin music played on stereos concealed in bushes around candlelit tables, and people pretended to talk to each other while absently waving flies away from food that they didn't intend to finish, "is that everything is going according to plan."

Even the song of the crickets sounded portentous, pyrrhic, as the three of them crouched behind the bush nearest the table Sendoh had reserved for the couple that would righteously be separated tonight, and for good. Somewhere a crescendo seemed to build up. Could it be Sendoh's heart, inside his chest? If his hunch turned out to be correct, Fujima would confess his love to Maki, and Maki would then reveal his true colors, whereupon Fujima would be so shocked that all his feelings for Maki would disappear instantly, and he would forever regret not having gone out with Jin sooner. Just the thought that Jin would finally get what had been due him all along made Sendoh beam happily at him.

"Here they come," muttered Jin, eyes widening at the sight of Fujima in formal clothes approaching the table alongside Maki, who was dressed casually but in good taste.

Somewhere to their left, leaves rustled; then a voice rang out like the stern hiss of Conscience.

"What do you think you're doing?"

It was Kiyota.

"Kiyota!" exclaimed Jin, surprised and a little irked at the intrusion.

"Are you trying to do something to Maki?" Kiyota demanded, eyes gleaming with a feline ferocity in the darkness. He looked ready to pounce. "I will never forgive you."

It was then that Sendoh realized that Kiyota was in fact deeply enamored of his captain. And how couldn't he be, constantly subjected as he was to Maki's censure and his own aspirations to becoming as great a basketball player as he? If anyone could be said to harbor a passion for Maki deeper even than Fujima's, it was Kiyota.

"Leave Maki alone." Kiyota's voice quivered slightly. He wasn't stupid. He knew that Maki and Fujima were out on a date; and if, for whatever ridiculous reason, Maki happened to prefer Fujima to him, he would accept Maki's decision with a stiff upper lip and all the dignity of the true one-sided lover.

"Kiyota," Sendoh began, but Kiyota cut him off.

"Give him a break." He seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Everyone's jealous of him. People constantly spread rumors about him, because they can't accept that he's the greatest guy on the planet. In a relationship with his math teacher? If only they knew…"

Mitsui and Sendoh exchanged worried glances.

"So then this 'date'," said Mitsui, "might actually turn out to be a date."

"I don't care anymore," said Jin with an eerie smile. If he was frustrated before, then one look at the graceful way in which Kiyota came to terms with his own tragedy was enough to clear his mind. If he truly loved Fujima, then he should learn to let go. "Fujma, I set you free. Fly away, you little bird."

"He's lost it," Mitsui whispered to Sendoh. "I think we should get him out of here before it gets worse."

"Not so fast." Sendoh raised a hand to silence the others, leaning forward, the better to listen in on Maki and Fujima.

"Maki," said Fujima, absently bobbing his teabag up and down in the cup, "I want you to take me."

Maki raised an eyebrow.

"Take you where?"

"Make me yours."

Flies continued buzzing, nondescript violin music continued playing from the surrounding foliage, but it was clear that the atmosphere had suddenly changed.

"Is that what this is about?" Maki stared coldly at Fujima. "And here I was thinking you wanted to arrange a practice game with us."

"Is that what you told him?" said Mitsui incredulously. Sendoh shrugged.

"Maki, I…"

"Stop, Fujima. I don't want to hear those words. As for me, I could lie to you – I could tell you what you want to hear – but I have too much respect for you as a person. I haven't said this to anyone before because it's too embarrassing, but the only person I have any feelings for is Kiyota."

"Kiyota?"

Somewhere to Sendoh's left, a dying ember seemed suddenly to burst into life, radiating joy and warmth in every direction. Jin had to hold his arm out so that Kiyota didn't fall backwards into the bush. The sound of a hand being brought down with force on wood made Sendoh turn his attention back to center stage.

"He's so much younger than you," Fujima complained, hot angry tears rolling down his face as he struggled with the injustice of it all. "And I'm so much better at basketball."

Maki rubbed his temples. Clearly it wasn't a topic he wanted to go too deep into.

"It's not always about basketball. There's just something really," he took a deep breath, "adorable in the way he always wants to be the best, not giving up even after he's been beaten. And he's so devoted to me that it's impossible not to pay attention to him."

"So what are you saying?"

Maki looked Fujima straight in the eye.

"I think you're obsessed with me."

"Of course I am." Fujima covered his face in his hands in an attempt to force himself to calm down. "I just told you—"

"I mean you're thinking only in terms of basketball. You're constantly thinking about how to beat me, and that makes you think that you're in love with me."

"Don't tell me what I'm supposed to feel!"

"Yeah, honestly," said Mitsui to Sendoh, "Maki's being a real dick right now."

Maki took a deep breath.

"I know it's hard to hear it. But I want you to forget about basketball, to forget about surpassing me for a minute. Is what you feel still love?"

Fujima brought his fists down on the table so hard that the waiter who had been hovering around their table with the check scurried away in fright.

"I hate you so much right now," he said; "I really don't want to be in love with you. But I can't help it."

Maki looked calmly into Fujima's eyes.

"I know someone who loves you very much. He would never cause you the pain I have caused you tonight."

Realization, as it flashed across Fujima's face, resembled in a great degree pain.

"J-Jin?"

Maki nodded.

"I have given you my answer. But if it's happiness you want – not some kind of perpetual competition – then you might think about what you feel for Jin."

"Jin…" Then suddenly Fujima looked contrite. A horrified look came over him. "Gosh, what have I done?" he gasped. "He came to me, and I spurned him."

Maki rose, leaving a wad of cash on the table, paying for both of them.

"You will find that Jin is very forgiving."

Then he turned and walked away.

At that point Jin emerged from the bushes, and rested a hand on Fujima's shoulder, and Kiyota darted after Maki, grinning widely.

"What have I done?" Fujima leant into the touch, too exhausted emotionally to wonder what Jin had been doing amidst the roses all the while. "Oh, Jin. I'm sorry for what I said. It really is you that I want."

Both Kainan players gazed with overflowing gratitude at their captain, their hero, the man who had wrought miracles not once but twice in one evening.

Sendoh and Mitsui exchanged puzzled glances. What now? They found themselves at the denouement of a confused and entirely unscripted love story, nothing like the predictable plot devices that Sendoh had grown comfortable with in his experience with romantic comedies. Was his entire childhood a lie? Would he have to rebuild his conception of the world from scratch?

On his part, all Mitsui could think about was whether he would still get his two thousand yen. The thought that he didn't really have a hand in the way things turned out left a bitter feeling. But he decided that, if he didn't get the money, he really wouldn't mind. There was more to life than doing people favors in exchange for cash. When extraordinary moments like the one they had all just lived through came along, money seemed almost trivial.

"Let's get out of here," said Mitsui, pushing Sendoh into the shadows, away from the scene where lovers hitherto believed to be star crossed were celebrating the triumph of passion.

Their hands brushed, and Sendoh looked up into Mitsui's eyes.

"You know, with all this Love Guru business going on," said Mitsui with a lopsided smile, "I almost forgot I have feelings, too."

Sendoh smiled.

"It feels nice to have done something good for someone, doesn't it? Even though I'm not sure we did much at all."

"That's not what I meant." Mitsui drew closer to Sendoh. "I don't need that money to be happy."

Their faces were inches from each other when something heavy fell into their laps from above. It appeared to be cash. Looking up they saw Jin and Fujima standing over them.

"I can't thank you guys enough," said Jin, beaming. "This was all because of you."

Sendoh laughed sheepishly, and scratched the back of his head.

"To be honest, it was just luck, really. If anyone should get the credit for it, it's Maki."

But Jin, smile wider than it had ever been these past few days, thought differently. If it hadn't been for Sendoh's and Mitsui's selfless involvement in his life, he might have been sitting up in his bedroom all evening, brooding or otherwise engaged in acts of self-harm. He would have fallen behind in one way or another in every endeavor.

"I would give you guys more," said Jin, "but it looks like there won't be any need for that. Who knows when someone else might be in need of your services?"

He winked, and then he and Fujima hurried away, hand in hand.

**Epilogue**

It was a sunny, somnolent afternoon again, not quite as hot as the days had been lately, and as a result there were more people out on the beach than usual. Sendoh, having bought with his money a fishing rod, had returned to his favorite pastime. Would the same large fish get caught in his line again?

"I don't even know what happened these past few days," said Mitsui, who was lying down on a towel behind Sendoh.

"I don't either," said Sendoh, retracting his line hopefully only to find seaweed on the hook. "Maybe it was all a movie, and we were just watching it."

"Oh, I think we did more than watch it."

"Maybe."

"Truth be told, I had really never thought that I might have feelings for you. And look at us now."

"I know," said Sendoh distractedly. Still no luck: it was garbage this time.

Then as the sea calmed down some more, Sendoh felt a strong tug on his line. Rising up in excitement, he began to retract his line as fast as he could.

He gasped when his catch rose to the surface.

"Look at the size of that!"

It was even larger than the one he had caught the other afternoon.

"Don't let go of it," said Mitsui, jumping to his feet to fetch the bucket.

"Of course I won't."

With some difficulty Sendoh managed to get the powerfully flailing fish into the bucket. But no sooner had he done so than the fish jumped out of the bucket using its own powerful movements, and slid back into the sea.

Sendoh and Mitsui stared after it in wonderment.

"Well, I suppose fish like that aren't meant to be caught," Sendoh decided, gazing philosophically out into the horizon. "They are free fish – fish of the world, you might say. No one can take their freedom from them."

"At least not amateur fishermen."

They were gathering their beach equipment when Mitsui became aware of a presence behind him.

"Sakuragi?" he said, turning. "What are you doing here?"

The redhead's face looked strained with the effort of keeping it expressionless.

"I want," he said, "your help." It seemed to kill him to say it.

"With basketball?" asked Sendoh, who knew too well how quickly the other had improved his game.

"No." Sakuragi seemed to be turning red, not from the heat or from embarrassment, but from the effort of not exploding. "I heard about what you did for Jin and the Benchwarmer."

"Oh," Mitsui mouthed silently.

"I need… you to help me… with Rukawa." The final words would have been inaudible, if there had been the slightest of breezes.

Sendoh and Mitsui glanced at each other. They had another customer already. Could it be done? Was it possible to meet his demands?

"Sure, we'll try," said Sendoh before Mitsui could stop him.

Mitsui knew how cheap Sakuragi was. He was a guy who had paid a hundred yen for his top-class basketball shoes. There was also the fact that Rukawa had no human feelings whatever.

"I think it's possible," said Sendoh. He turned to Mitsui. "What do you say?"

Mitsui shrugged. He didn't care either way, but he really did enjoy working with Sendoh. He never laughed as much as when he was with him, for instance.

"Then we're doing this." Sendoh nodded. "Sakuragi, you have come to the right people. The Love Gurus will make your dreams come true."

/end

* * *

A/N: I didn't quite like the way I ended this. I took all the cheesy, sappy, weird, cloying romance I never wrote elsewhere, and stuffed it into a single story. Well, as long as I never do it again, I suppose we'll be fine.


End file.
